I have these moments (I think we all do) where I either want to crawl in bed or block out the world. Or, I want to resort to name calling from the mentality of a 14-year-old. Once in awhile, I want to genuinely yell; ‘Your Momma” or “Bite me” or “You are such a nerd” but I refrain because I have lived the backlash and because I realize it is immature and counter-productive. Still… ..
I attempt to be as honest as possible, and I tend to stay with an argument once I have made it. That being said, I make mistakes. But, I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to give back to a world that considers me irrelevant. I am tired of settling for things less than what most people settle for because I possess an idealist temperament (albeit mind) than what I perceive most others do. I find it extremely unpopular to want the “up-and-up” and the facts. That makes me angry and a little holier-that-thou… maybe. (I’m still pondering.) Also, I’m still trying. Here I am writing this.
I have never began a day intending to hurt anyone. I have began many days trying to right a wrong or forgive someone after hurting me. I am told I am a wimp for this. That’s okay. My faith in God makes being me okay.
Still, a lingering sense of the injustice in life remains, and that it is often perpetrated by well-meaning friends and family members whom I truly believe don’t realize they’re doing it. I make no excuses for my failings. There are quite a few. Yet, I find the strength each morning to awake and try again. I think giving up is far easier than going on. Giving up entails three things: 1. The descision to give up. 2. The validation for giving up. 3. The act of giving up. All three things are a failure of sorts, yet I cannot permit those thoughts or choices to linger.
It doesn’t make the roads I have chosen for myself any easier. Many times that decision was based on faulty thinking, faulty evidence or downright stubborness. By that I mean, often our thinking is off and we believe things to be evidenced when they aren’t. But, I’ll be damned if I’ll give those who know me really well (or strangers), the satisfaction of my defeat. My hope is they would want me to fight. That’s just me.
Fighting to the end is, more often than not, a victory and an affirmation that all you have done is not for nothing. Sometimes, you even come out the other side the victor. But, I gotta say: “I’m tired. I’m tired deep down in my bones and down inside my mind, and I am ever hanging on the precipice of ‘I just don’t give a shit.’ ” So, I wrote this from my experiences from my own personal journey through the twists and turns of life.
Today, I read about that young woman who ended her life due to her brain tumor. There is no way I could understand her suffering. There is no way I could ever relate to what she went through, yet it makes me sad because my ever hopeful, I-will-hang-in-there self says “Please, don’t give up. Miracles happen.” It’s what keeps me going.
I believe in God. I trust God. But, hey, maybe her going on to him (whether Christian or not) is the miracle I can’t wrap my head around. I sure hope so. I’d like to think so.
My faith is surely tested in that and it makes my efforts small in comparison to hers. Still, I’ll pray for her. I’ll keep believing in miracles. I can’t give up. While I can undestand why she might have, I wish she hadn’t. But, I don’t have a brain tumor.