A Part of Myself is Missing

27-years-ago I gave birth to a baby girl. And, like all mothers I had hopes and dreams that I was certain surpassed everyone else. Here God had given me this beautiful, helpless little being that I was to love, nurture and protect. I did all of those things. There were times I fumbled, yet I picked up the pieces and went on. As she grew, she fumbled too. I did my best to pick up those pieces too. Then a time came when all I was doing was screwing up. I just couldn’t seem to get it right.

Most of the reason for that was my own upbringing which was difficult having been raised by a woman who never should have been a mother but who had no choice as she was trapped in a generation where that was what women did. Mom visited a lot of her pain on her children and the cycled continued. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom and would do most anything to have her back. Only the things I learned to do from her and the things I saw her go through made me repeat many of her the same acts.

I married and divorced. I moved with my children back home after the divorce and left them with the same empty hole in their hearts as my mom did my siblings and I when she moved us from ours.

Then one day after being single for 11 years, rarely dating because I was focused on what I thought a good mom was, I married a man whose main goal in life seemed to be to make people as miserable as he could. I can remember my daughter begging me not to marry him. She evidently could see what I could not.

He was verbally and physically abusive but the psychological way he used words to hurt was difficult to fight….until he made me furious. Then he got as good as he gave. In part, that destroyed my daughter emotionally. And, the cycle continued. After my 2nd divorce she hooked up with an abusive man and had three beautiful children with him. I am raising those children.

He and my daughter got involved in heavy drug use and committed thefts for which my daughter is paying. She took all the blame. He, meanwhile, has tried to commit suicide 5 or 6 times in the last two years and was just released from a rehab/mental hospital for people with “dual diagnosis”. That’s bullshit my friends. He’s just plain spoiled and insane. Why did my daughter take the blame when on 3 different video cameras he is seen committing the crimes? She did it for love she said.

Where does all this go?

While I was never a drug user, I used beer to numb a whole lot of pain. She saw that. I used “love” as an excuse to stay with an abuser. She did too. It will be 4 years before I can place her back in her children’s lives. And, it’s already been four years. She’s left an empty hole in their hearts now too. And, I have an even bigger one in my heart as I miss her with every ounce of love in my body. I feel like a piece of myself is missing, and I wish for future generations in my family that the pieces stay together by heeding the generational failings of the past.

 

I want all my pieces back.

 

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